Who’s in control?



I made a confession to our team leader yesterday. I don’t really like living here in Albania. It is hard to say the words… even harder to type them and see them in print. The confession came with tears. Von made an observation which strikes at the core of all I feel when I breathe that statement quietly in the night. It feels like a betrayal of my husband’s call to Albania. Surely God was WRONG when he told Robert to move his family to Albania. (Did you laugh… I did when I reread this later!)

I read a bit from Girl Talk today. Nicole talked about the control our “feelings” so frequently have on us!

When it comes to my fluctuating feelings (which spike at a certain time every month) I sometimes feel like [my dog] Bailey on a leash. I often follow my feelings around in circles, forgetting that I am the owner and the leash should be on my feelings instead.

I am frequently on the wrong end of the leash. Running around more like a chicken with my head cut off spurting the result of my hurt feelings on top of others as I go (good image, huh?). In my quiet time today, I really felt the Lord speak sweetly to my heart, rest in the place you are now. Be still and know that I am God. I have some hurt feelings that are hanging on from an old wound. I end up carrying it around like a security blanket. Yet God wants me to release it to him. The question is of course, I am willing? YES, YES, YES

My friend Holly wrote to me recently, “If you are not radically committed to the idea that this whole endeavor is not just about the people you are trying to reach, but the process that God is taking you through…well, it’s just enough to make you want to run away to an all inclusive spa and never come back!” I know that God has us here for a purpose. And I am more and more convinced that the purpose has more to do with the development of His character IN ME than in others. And the truth is the last time I checked God was still on His throne and there is not ANYTHING that can knock Him off. So I am choosing to reign in my feelings and let his rain pour over me.

What about you?


4 responses »

  1. Jen. . .Love this blog and how open, honest, and real you are. Before I got to the part about your friend Holly, I was thinking, “it really seems like the Lord is doing a sweet work in Jenny.” Love you, friend. Let’s talk soon. .

  2. Hi Jenny
    THANK YOU for sharing…it is good for my soul & SO real…thank you for ministering to me- I am learning the same thing- how God is refining ME during Crosby’s treatment- but more into HIS image- hard…but good.

  3. Jenny,
    Wow, you have demonstrated a great deal of bravery and courage and honesty. I really amire you. Thanks for being vulnerable.

  4. Pingback: Nothing more than feelings « Grace for Today

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