Nothing more than feelings May 1, 2008

A while back I wrote about the need to put my feelings on a leash. Managing them instead of letting them manage me. This continues to be a long, hard process.

Today I stumbled on this site, a collection of feelings from the net. The site searches blogs for sentences including the words “i feel” or “i am feeling”. It is a really incredible site and I was fascinated!

Because blogs are structured in largely standard ways, the age, gender, and geographical location of the author can often be extracted and saved along with the sentence, as can the local weather conditions at the time the sentence was written. All of this information is saved.

The result is a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 - 20,000 new feelings per day. Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific questions like: do Europeans feel sad more often than Americans? Do women feel fat more often than men? Does rainy weather affect how we feel? What are the most representative feelings of female New Yorkers in their 20s? What do people feel right now in Baghdad? What were people feeling on Valentine’s Day? Which are the happiest cities in the world? The saddest? And so on.

What struck me the most as I browsed around was the overwhelming sense that we are a people overwhelmed by our feelings. It was like the scene from Bruce Almighty where Bruce (who has God’s power for a few days) is receiving thousands of incoming prayer requests that he is trying to answer. I can not imagine how our God, who hears and sees everything, can sort through the muck that we call our feelings. There are so many feelings out there! And we all bounce off of each other… touching, bumping, crashing into one another as we go. I know that some days, I am crying out for someone to recognize and acknowledge my feelings! But then I end up at that same place again, where I MUST a leash on those feelings, and call on the one who made me. Ever feel that way?

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Tears flow in the rivers of our hearts April 22, 2008

Today was one of the those days my heart nearly broke for the aching. Our house helper and friend Linda came today this morning as she normally does. We were anxious to see her since her father in law had died last Wednesday and she did not come on Thursday of last week. I have shared in some of our prayer updates that Linda lives in one room of her in-law’s home. She and her husband Gjergji have a rather broken relationship with his parents, mostly due to his father becoming more and more mentally ill over the last few years. We did not attend the funeral since we did not know Gjergi’s father and today she asked us not to come for coffee to pay our respects because Gjergji’s mother has not allowed her to come downstairs to the kitchen to greet guests and help with serving coffee as is Albanian tradition (read more about funeral traditions on our ministry blog from a few months ago).

After listening and talking (as much as I am able), I probed her some more and came to discover that Gjergji’s mother and sisters are pressing Gjergji to leave Linda and ask for a divorce. As she shared more, it became evident that his parents have blamed Linda for their daughter Angela’s death. (Linda and Gjergji’s daughter Angela was 7 when she was hit by a car and killed several years ago).

We wept together. Jesus wept with us. And later I wept for the sheer frustration of not having all the words to say what was in my heart; to offer comfort and hope, to breathe God’s words of forgiveness and peace over her life and heart. And I wept when Linda told me she love me like a sister. Tears flow in the rivers of our hearts, don’t they? And when they do, we can find a common place where all mothers can weep over the love they have for their children and know deeply that our hearts are the same, no matter our language, our country or our race.

Will you pray for Linda today? Pray for peace in her home and her heart, pray that God would reveal himself (and He doesn’t really need my help but I am willing), pray that the root of bitterness would be removed from her mother in law’s heart, pray that our God, who can do more that we can imagine, guess or request in our wildest dreams, would work deeply and gently in their hearts.

7 On this mountain he will destroy
the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;

8 he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.

9 In that day they will say,
“Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.

Issiah 2:7-9

Our families together on Christmas Eve

His Invisible Qualities April 16, 2008

“No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what perspective you have in life, all of us can recognize a common theme emerging in the world. We see it in the stories we love, we see it in history, we see it in our own lives. There is beauty and innocence, interrupted by tragedy and sadness, followed by longing for rescue, and hope for a better day. We love the stories best where a hero comes along to set the world right and bring a new day to pass where we return to that place of beauty and innocence again…changed of course…but back home again. That story is older than the middle ages, the Roman Empire, or even the Bible. It is the story written on the very heart of God…woven into our lives because we were made in His image.” ~Aaron Horton

20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I read this quote today from Aaron, someone I don’t know, on Youversion.com (which by the way is one of the coolest developments in the Christian community these day… a Bible reader, journal, and a social network all in one). It made me reflect today about God’s invisible qualities. Since the beginning of time, God has been using his eternal and divine power to make himself known to us. His invisible qualities… His goodness, His transcendence, His compassion, His justice, His power… can be clearly seen in all of the world. It is truly undeniable when we look at how the earth is put together, the formation of all in the intricate parts of our beings, we can see God in all that has been made. We are without excuse.

This line especially, impacted my heart: “There is beauty and innocence, interrupted by tragedy and sadness, followed by longing for rescue, and hope for a better day.” This is true in almost ever facet of human life. Do you observe these on daily basis? I do … here is my list

Beauty and innocence- Insert the faces of your own children or some with whom you have a deep and loving relationship. Here are mine!

Tragedy and sadness- The school fire in Uganda that took the lives of 19 young girls. The doors were locked, it was a homicide.

Longing for rescue- My friend Bex’s story of her host mother where she is living and serving in North Africa. There is a deep longing in the account of the need for rescue!

Hope for a better day- Lamentations 3

21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: ;

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. ;

23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ;

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” ;

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; ;

26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

I think I could end every day with a list like this and some producer could make a movie out of it. There is a longing in our spirits for something more, something deeper, something meaningful.  But God’s invisible qualities are everywhere we look, there is evidence of Him in everything and this is where I am placing my HOPE!  I am committed to spending some time is this next month learning more about the attributes of God and seeing Him in ordinary and every day places.

Itching for a fight April 12, 2008

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.                           
Exodus 14:14

I read these words on a blog several months ago.  Oooo, I so want to have a good fight with someone. Maybe I am the only one who does this, but when you have a conflict with someone do you ever imagine the conversation with yourself in the mirror?  I have gone over the conversation a hundred times, over and over in my mind.  Things I want to say, smart things, whitty things, things I would never think of in real time.  Then inevitably, I say mean things, hateful things, things I wish I could take back.  

Maybe it is good I have the dress rehearsal so that I get all that yuck out of the way before I really talk with the person.  

When I feel like I have been wronged, I so want to come out swinging.  But sometimes that just isn’t the way God wants it, is it?  WHY NOT?!!! (I frequently have this argument with God) Because, truly, someone will end up bloody.  And it won’t be pretty.  And there will be an even bigger mess in the end.

So, I am still waiting.  Waiting for someone to come to my rescue.  Waiting for someone to be my champion.  Waiting for Him to fight for me.

Waiting really sucks, ya know?  

Could you believe? March 22, 2008

It is the morning before we know the glory of our Savior alive, again!   I was thinking this morning of all the Easters in the past and what makes this one different.  What makes tomorrow unique for us as believers?  It is that it happens again.  Christ comes again.  Over and over, He rises from the grave after taking on all of my sins and dying on the cross.

For so many people tomorrow is just an ordinary morning.  Here even more so, only a small percentage of Albanians will be celebrating His resurrection.   His name is hardly known here.  And I wonder what will make the difference for them.  What will be the window that opens their eyes to His glory that comes in the morning?

Several years ago (I am dating myself here), I sang this Twila Paris song in church.   I always wanted to sing it again in front of people who really matter to me (family, close friends) who are not believers or ride the fence, so to speak.  I wanted somehow to shed this outer part of myself that gets in the way of His glory.  Could they believe if I really was like Him?  If I lived all the words that I said?  Do you feel that way?  Do you want for those close to you to see Him through your eyes?  I do.  I pray every day that I can take off this shell that I live in and just be transparent so they could see what I see!  Could they believe if I held my opinion and quietly led?  Lord, let is be so, especially today!

Could you believe?

He was a friend to sinners
He was a gentle man
Beautiful, humble master plan
His voice could pierce the darkness
Quiet an angry sea
I hear Him saying follow me
I look in your eyes and I tell you these things
But somehow I know that it’s hard to believe

Could you believe if I really was like Him
If I lived all the words that I said
If for a change I would kneel down before you
And serve you instead
Could you believe

He was the Lamb of mercy
Undying hope of men
Waiting for love to come again
He is the light of heaven
Radiant Prince of peace
I Hear him saying, “Follow Me”
I look in your eyes and I tell you these things
But somehow I know that it’s hard to believe

Could you believe if I carried my own cross
If I saw that the children were fed
If for a moment I held my opinion
And quietly led Could you believe

I am meant to be a pure reflection of the truth
So above it all I pray that I will not obscure the view

Could you believe if I stood here transparent
And through me you could see his eyes
Could you believe if you saw right inside me
and there was no disguise
Could you believe if I was really like him
If I lived all the words that I said
If it was clear that I held in my heart
What I know in my head
Could you believe, could you believe
Looking at me, could you believe
Could you believe?

Who’s in control? February 15, 2008

I made a confession to our team leader yesterday. I don’t really like living here in Albania. It is hard to say the words… even harder to type them and see them in print. The confession came with tears. Von made an observation which strikes at the core of all I feel when I breathe that statement quietly in the night. It feels like a betrayal of my husband’s call to Albania. Surely God was WRONG when he told Robert to move his family to Albania. (Did you laugh… I did when I reread this later!)

I read a bit from Girl Talk today. Nicole talked about the control our “feelings” so frequently have on us!

When it comes to my fluctuating feelings (which spike at a certain time every month) I sometimes feel like [my dog] Bailey on a leash. I often follow my feelings around in circles, forgetting that I am the owner and the leash should be on my feelings instead.

I am frequently on the wrong end of the leash. Running around more like a chicken with my head cut off spurting the result of my hurt feelings on top of others as I go (good image, huh?). In my quiet time today, I really felt the Lord speak sweetly to my heart, rest in the place you are now. Be still and know that I am God. I have some hurt feelings that are hanging on from an old wound. I end up carrying it around like a security blanket. Yet God wants me to release it to him. The question is of course, I am willing? YES, YES, YES

My friend Holly wrote to me recently, “If you are not radically committed to the idea that this whole endeavor is not just about the people you are trying to reach, but the process that God is taking you through…well, it’s just enough to make you want to run away to an all inclusive spa and never come back!” I know that God has us here for a purpose. And I am more and more convinced that the purpose has more to do with the development of His character IN ME than in others. And the truth is the last time I checked God was still on His throne and there is not ANYTHING that can knock Him off. So I am choosing to reign in my feelings and let his rain pour over me.

What about you?

Gotcha! February 5, 2008

One year ago today we took Jadyn Annabelle into our arms, into our hearts and into our family. This is a well known day in the adoption world, affectionately named “Gotcha Day.” What a wonderful ride.

One year ago today, we awoke early in the morning in Beijing. We quickly packed our bags and went downstairs to catch the bus at 7:30 with the other 12 families from our group. We all anxiously rode the bus to the airport to catch our 10am flight to Nanchang in the Jiangxi province, clutching the picture the only picture we had of our daughter. 

We were lucky among the 43 families in our total group. Most families were landing and going straight to pick up their babies, luggage in tow! We were able to go to our hotel and unpack and take a quick breather before going to the China Center for Adoption Affairs office to pick up our daughters! We found a lovely room waiting for us at the hotel, complete with crib for our new arrival! We anxiously ticked off the TWO HOURS we had to wait before boarding the bus again to the building where we would FINALLY meet our daughter.

While waiting for the elevators to take us to the 26th floor, Robert poked me and said…. “Look at those babies!” 

Several workers had come in with babies all dressed in yellow coats and black pants. We wondered if these precious ones were our daugthers. Robert found one and poked me again… “I think that could be Jadyn!” I told him I did not think so. My mind was too closed to the idea that I could be this close to her and not able to run over and grab her! We watched as these babies all went with their caregivers onto different elevators. Sigh….
We rode up the elevator with 3 other couples. The tension and nervousness was thick. When the door opened, we could hear babies crying. We entered into a room of complete chaos! There were babies EVERYWHERE! We were all trying to film for each other and get our eyes on our own child. Where could she be? We were family 13 in our group… W’s are always last in line… and we watched in fascination as the 12 other families took hold of their babies, all of them wearing yellow jackets and black pants, many of the screaming! Finally our turn came. It was indeed the precious girl Robert had seen in the lobby of the building! There was Jadyn! I shifted my weight from foot to foot as they checked our passports against the paperwork and her ID tag. Finally, she was in my arms! She looked from Robert to me and back again, as if to say “Who are you people? You look a little strange to me!” But with out a sound she settled into our arms, reaching for her daddy soon after I held her for a moment. A daddy’s girl is born.

The chaos abounded throughout the room, but Jadyn stayed calm and quiet, even briefly showing us a hint of a smile and two bottom teeth poking through! At last…

We celebrated tonight by going out to our favorite Chinese restaurant here in Tirana (we actually have a few Chinese places!) and enjoyed the food, atmosphere and family. We recounted the day one year ago for Austin and Tyler who listened intently while Jadyn ran around tables and generally charmed everyone in the restuarant. They both remember the first time they saw her on Skype video, on Feb 6th. Austin prayed over our meal and thanked God for his beautiful sister and that she is a part of our family. Who could say anything better? AMEN!

Finding Beauty January 30, 2008

Recently my mom told me she hoped I would find a moment of beauty in my day. I confess that I don’t see much beauty in the winter. It seems like a dreary, yucky time of year to me. And since we don’t have the beautiful snow of the mountains of Colorado, the rain and mud here don’t really speak to me in the same way!

But I have been looking for beauty in my days. I have been lighting candles in my living room and kitchen… the smells and soft light bring a peace to the room. I have been playing music more… the sounds are soothing to the soul. And I have been asking God to show me beauty, small bits of it, in my day.

This morning, I sat down in the kitchen after breakfast with my computer to catch up on some blog reading and turned on some music. Before long Jadyn was dancing at my feet. As I looked at her she smiled and grinned, lifting her hands up to the sky. The song was “The Glory of your Name” by Watermark (oh how I miss Watermark! When the kids are grown I pray they will make more albums!) I picked her up and we danced around the kitchen, singing. She has the BEST giggle! After I was out of breath, she said “Mo! (more)” and we did it all again. What a beautiful moment. I said, “Look at mama” and she gave me a sweet, secret smile with her chin tucked down as if to say “We have a special secret, mom, in these beautiful moments.” Oh how I love my beautiful daughter… what a gift!

The Cream Application- A revelation January 29, 2008

Our friends Bret and Meredith have a 3 year old son with cancer. They live in KY and their son Crosby is a trooper. This little guy is in the second half of 22 weeks of chemotherapy treatment. Mer has been writing about their experiences and keeping us updated on their prayer needs online so we have had a day to day glimpse of their ups and downs. She wrote this week about the “magic cream” application that (from what I understand) they do several times a week when Crosby has his port accessed. The port is under the skin of his abdomen where Dr.s can quickly give him meds. The cream acts as a numbing agent so the port access is painless. But over the weeks, they have found the cream application has been a difficult and painful regimen. Even though the clinic has told them the application should not hurt, Crosby has often screamed and cried in pain.

There are similarities to this cream application in our relationship with God. When we are in pain, hurting, in need of His healing, it is easy for us to push Him away and try to work things out on our own. And the pain and hurt can grow inside of us like a cancer. I know… I have a pain inside of me that has been growing for two years. And do you know that I only came to that realization tonight…. it has really been two years since that small seed of pain began inside of me. One small thing that has grown and grown to an overwhelming size that even allowing God to touch it at all is painful. That initial cream application has me kicking and screaming all the way. I know it will help the healing process, but I don’t want to take that first, very painful step to allow Him access to the inner most places where I hurt. But when I do allow him access (even kicking and screaming), His soothing balm washes over me and refreshes me. It lessens the pain of the healing process He is doing deep inside. And I need the numbing effect that the painful cream application gives me, And you know what? I am a lot like Crosby, in a little while, I forget all the pain that the cream gave me and I can watch the needle of true healing pierce me deeply as the Lord gives me the real medicine I need. And it all is still painful. The hurt is deep, the wound is bleeding. I am still crying, depressed, grouchy, waking up at night, yelling at the people I love… sigh…. thank God His grace abounds even for me. Time won’t heal all wounds, but He will.

One of my favorite passages for time of dispair and hopelessness is this, from Lamentaions

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Lord, I am waiting.

An orphanage visit January 21, 2008

Yesterday we went to our friend’s house for dinner. Bob and Cathy (and their 4 kids ages 10-17) are from Washington State and are serving as the house parents at the Bethany Christian Center Orphanage on the outskirts of Tirana. They live in an apartment on the second floor of the main building which houses about 40 orphaned babies under 12 months. As we were waiting for dinner to cook, Cathy took me downstairs to visit the babies. There was a large play area with about 10 -12 babies crawling or laying around on the floor or mattresses. PRECIOUS! Words are not enough to describe the feelings you experience when you hold and love on these babies and see their faces light up with delight as you play and interact with them. As I moved from baby to baby, Jadyn was getting a little jealous, trying to sit in my lap, or pull on my leg. She did NOT want to share her mommy or any of the toys she selected. I wondered if she has any memories of her own time in the orphanage or other children she might have played with while in the care of her foster family. It was truly heartbreaking to leave the children because one will always be crying and there are not nearly enough hands to hold and stimulate all the babies in the way that they need. Please pray for forever families for these precious ones. Bethany’s goal is to place them with adoptive families or return them to their own home by the time they are 3 years old. But the Albanian adoption process is long, expensive and tedious. (Even more so than China!)